My doctor lowered my medication dosages last week, which makes me go...

via Pixabay, CC0

...weeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except without the thrills and giggles and woo-hoo! part of it.

Despite the unpleasant withdrawal effects, being on the bipolar/anxiety roller coaster again is a good thing. I wasn't getting deep sleep because the dosages were too high, and like most people, I really like sleep. I was also having a hard time focusing, especially while driving. (Yikes.)

Also, being on the roller coaster reminds me that a happy-clappy drug placebo does not equal sanctity. Being in a good mood does not a saint make. Choosing God and his love does.

Because I write on spiritual topics, the "guru" temptation is always close at hand. I don't want to be a guru. I want to write from my weakness and share how God is transforming that into strength. Being on the roller coaster reminds me that I haven't yet "arrived."

(And even now, as I type, I think, "Sheesh, Rhonda, by writing that, you're just proving to the world that you really are a guru because you know that you need to know that you haven't yet arrived.")

(And that parenthetical proves that I am a guru by recognizing that I recognize that I'm guruish for knowing that I don't know.)

(Etc., etc., ad nauseum, and so on.)

I'm still on drugs, so my moods are still manageable, but I'm having moods again, and that requires some adjustment. I get to practice securing my own mask before assisting other passengers.

Yay.

Giotto, The Visitation, via WikiCommons, public domain.

From Seeing Beyond Depression by Jean Vanier:

Loving someone does not simply mean doing things for them; it is much more profound. To love someone is to show to them their beauty, their worth, and their importance; it is to understand them, understand their cries and their body language; it is to rejoice in their presence, spend time in their company and communicate with them. To love is to live a heart-to-heart relationship with another, giving to and receiving from each other (19).

This is how Mary loved Elizabeth. It's also how she continues to love each of us.

As a convert, it took me a long time to understand my relationship to Mary and the saints as just that - a human relationship. Human relationships take time; they're also reciprocal.

Because they are in heaven, the saints for their part are more present to us than if they had been our contemporaries here on earth. It's hard to believe, of course, because we can't see them. But they see us, and their friendship with us has a depth that only the Beatific Vision can give; they love because they see Love Himself.

On our part, however, these friendships take time. My friendship with Mary has been a slow, uphill battle. After all, we were estranged until I was 24 years old. After my conversion I placed high expectations on myself to love Mary as I "ought," which resulted in what you might expect: scruples. Had I been patient with myself as Mary had been patient with me, I may have spared myself a good deal of stress.

Now, she and I sit down over a cup of coffee and chat. Affection is there, and I know that the more I spend time with her, the greater my love will grow. After all, like Vanier says, Mary loves by showing me my beauty, my worth, and my importance; she rejoices in my presence because I'm her friend and daughter, slowly being transformed into the likeness of her Son.

via Shutterstock.

Do you obsessively worry about your parenting prowess? Do you constantly second-guess your decisions? Do you envy others in their “chill” approach to parenting? Do you wish you weren’t plagued by so many doubts and compulsive attempts to be the perfect parent?

If so, you might be experiencing scrupulosity. Welcome to the club!

What is a scruple? St. Alphonsus Liguori explains in his book Moral Theology that a conscience is scrupulous when, for a frivolous reason and without rational basis, there is a frequent fear of sin even though in reality there is no sin at all.

A scruple is a defective understanding of something. A scruple is when you look at your actions and think:

“That’s sinful. Was I sinful in doing that? Should I confess it? I think it must be mortal sin! What would Dr. Guru do? Or the other Dr. Guru? Maybe I should sign Junior up for Underwater Ballet lessons—that would make everything better…”

…whereas other people think:

“That’s not a sin! You’re exaggerating its significance! It’s morally neutral! You’re doing the best you can, honey! Let up on yourself! Your kid is going to be fine. Bless your heart, but you need to look up the definition of mortal sin again.”

Read more at CatholicMom.com...

You know you're scrupulous if . . .

. . . you buy yourself a drink you didn't need or really even want from the grocery store Starbucks in order to look like a paying customer after your kids have had free cookies from the bakery, even though you ARE a paying customer because you JUST paid for a prescription, DayQuil, and children's Motrin, BUT you paid for said items at the pharmacy counter before the ingestion of said cookies and therefore have nothing left in the cart that would indicate to the Scary Grocery Store Authorities that you are not a complete and total cookie moocher.

. . . AND when I got to the car, I thought, "Dang it! There you go again!"

via WikiCommons, CC0

This is an important point for those of us who experience scruples and anxiety in our spiritual lives. From A Thousand Frightening Fantasies: Understanding and Healing Scrupulosity and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by William Van Ornum, Ph.D.:

Scrup/OCD embarrasses them. It has taken sufferers of OCD longer to "come out of the closet" than people with other disorders. For example, most of us understand depression. Alcoholism is an extreme of normal drinking. Because of the strange and peculiar nature of many OCD symptoms, sufferers hesitate to acknowledge them. I have even heard of cases of people in therapy for several years who never mentioned their OCD to their therapist. Instead, they talked about the many problems of their life. People with OCD or Scrup/OCD frequently think others will judge them as weird or crazy. Because of this, they guard their secret emotional life.

We live in an age that deemphasizes or disrespects traditional religious beliefs. As a group, mental health professionals lack openness to religious experience. Some brand even normal religious practices as sick. Because people with Scrup/OCD know this, is it any wonder that they remain secretive? (34)

No, it's not a wonder. Catholics already get a bad rap for their Catholic Guilt; many of us would rather not confirm the stereotype by sharing about our scruples.

The people we're supposed to look to - priests and medical professionals - are ill-equipped. Many priests lack training in helping the scrupulous, and the therapist who could help a Catholic faithfully (faithfully!) navigate Catholic waters is a rarity. 

And no, we don't want to be ridiculed or poo-poohed.

Yet, this is no excuse for not seeking help. The very act of discussing our scrupulosity with our priest or medical professionals raises awareness. So talk about it. If they are unable or unwilling to help, find someone who will. But be brave and seek help!